Instant answers ruin relationships

Relationship problems and their method of management

My understanding of this problem comes from a few different sources:

1. My reading of "7 Principles of making marriage work" by The Gottmans
2. My reading of "No Bad Parts" by Richard C Schwarz
3. My experience with therapy
4. My experience with my own relationships

This article gets into how to manage your problems it won't give exact solutions (because circumstances vary), but a path to recognition

Insecurities are normal

It is normal to feel, oh, "Did I fuck up really badly", "Do people really like me", "Am I good enough", These aren't bad feelings; they're feelings that are trying to communicate something with us, they're important messages.

We have a very normal need to be loved; it's just human to need other human beings, to be cared for, and to be nurtured

There is often, however, a tendency to want instant answers to situation

"I want to know if you like me, right this second" is never going to be a good strategy to anything

It's normal to want it in the answers of instant gratification we have become used to as a society due to technological access and the place that we currently live in, but it's certainly not how feelings work

People can feel multiple feelings at the same time; one can love their partner and also feel icky when they, perhaps, don't clean the dishes instantly and maybe do it later (especially when you come from a household where that was expected as a thing to do right then and there!).

And it can take a long time to heal from the damage of your parents, relatives, and childhood harm, and to expect it to instantly change perhaps isn't the best way of going about it. This exists for us ourselves – and our partners

We have choices of different strategies

Here's the second part that is important, and again, this doesn't provide a solution, but here is a common case that comes up, for example

let's say that you said a bad joke that hurt someone, and you're scared of losing the friendship due to that

A strategy there is to be defensive: "Oh god, that was just a joke, don't be so serious," or, perhaps a better strategy is to acknowledge the recipient's emotions.

Take a moment to say, "Hey, I am so sorry," and then take a moment to reflect on it. What did I find funny about the joke? What hurt them? Sometimes people feel hurt due to past childhood instances; sometimes we use humor as a coping mechanism for our own traumas

Here's a few steps to learning to do so better

Step 1. Validate your feelings, and be kind to yourself

Super short, and this may be a little weird, especially when you are not used to doing this, but thank yourself whenever you feel anything – this is you communicating with yourself, and it is how your body expresses your needs to you

So if you feel, "I am scared my friend does not like me anymore", you can thank that fear for letting you know of its presence, its an important indicator, it must've come from somewhere

perhaps a fear of loss, perhaps a want to keep a friendship intact

Step 2. Look at your thoughts, understand where they come from

Sometimes we grow up in households wherein the only options presented to us are violent, to shout, to keep quiet of our issues, to ignore our feelings – this isn't helpful to us, when you feel something it is an indicator coming up

There is often a tendency to dismiss, or get defensive that may come up in this sitation

John Gottman calls these the 4 horsemen of divorce

1. Criticism - pointing out the other person's flaws
2. Contempt - looking down on the other person
3. Stonewalling - ignoring another persons problems
4. Defensiveness - protecting yourself

I am going to try to look at these with empathy, you may for example, be used to criticism, because you grew up in a harsh society wherein "only the strongest succeeded", you may have been taught to hate by other people, as a means to not feeling bad

Or you may have learnt to ignore problems altogher or try to start justifying yourself, all this…happens, this comes because we may have seen our parents behave this way, or our friends behave this way, and learnt to do the same

The part that maps nicely to instant gratification, is the to rush to the answers of these,

You can end up getting scared that you might lose someone, and start texting them too much (I have done this too :sweat_smile:)

Step 3. Validate the feelings of other people, and thank them appropriately when they share their feelings

Just like we can end up feeling the scared, other people can also end up feeling scared or "icky" as a coping mechanism, perhaps they had parents that shouted at them when their room wasn't clean, or shamed them for not looking perfect

Step 4. Seperate yourself from the emotions of other people

Now, just for a second, recognizing that you are still a complete person is very important – even if the worst outcome comes of it – you probably aren't a bad person, you might come to recognize, "oh this is a place I need to work on", cognitive reframing helps here

Give your self love, life is hard, especially when we come from wildly different places

Step 5. Look at your options

Generally, going with a solution of "I want to have an answer, at this very moment", "Exactly right now", "He/She isn't talking to me, so they probably don't love me anymore, so I should leave" almost instantly

Maybe, talking isn't that bad an option, perhaps we might be projecting our fears on other people - while they may have meant something completely different!

Perhaps a little bit of cognitive reframing here can help

"I'll just leave to not make things worse" -> "Discussing the issue can help me grow, and may just fix the problems, perhaps it's not that bad"

"That is pointless" -> "I don't completely understand where this is coming from, but helping me learn the other persons point of view is going to help me learn a new point of view in the world"

"this person needs to be put in their place" -> "I don't understand where they are coming from, I disagree with their actions, but perhaps if I told them of it, I might understand where they came from, and they may have better relationships in the future"

Conclusion

and sometimes, it can take a long long time for relationships to heal, and that is okay

but this isn't 100% perfect answer, sometimes it can be better to leave, especially when you realize people are being abusive, or harmful, but sometimes, sometimes we are thinking of people as far worse than they actally are, because we come from curcumstances that were harmful to us

Take a long walk, take it slow, and you don't have to resolve this "today" or "right now", love, even platonic love, takes time and experiences to grow, and hurt can take time and experiences to heal, to find strategic solutions of that help people